I entered five words into Ai, and asked it to write a column. I can't believe what it came up with.

There's been a lot of talk about both the positives and the negatives of of Ai. So I thought I'd test it out myself.

I gave Ai five words (six really) - Candle, Socks, Phone, Clock and Christmas Tree - and told it to write me a funny column.

This is what it came back with. And I'm not even kidding.

How to have the worst sex ever.

Welcome, all you people of the general public looking to spice up your love life (or not)!

Today, we're delving into the art of having the worst sex ever – a guide so disastrous, it will make you reconsider ever setting foot in the bedroom again.

So buckle up for a bumpy ride through the land of anti-passion!

Step 1: Avoid Communication at All Costs

Communication is key to great sex, but in our quest for the worst, let's skip the talking entirely. Feel free to attempt mind-reading instead; we hear it's a guaranteed mood-killer.

Step 2: Turn on the Lights... All of Them

Dim lighting? Candles? No, thank you! For an unforgettable night of regret, make sure the whole room is lit up like a Christmas tree. Let your inhibitions shine as brightly as the midday sun, because nothing screams romance like fluorescent lighting.

Step 3: Keep Your Socks On

Socks, the ultimate passion-killer. Want to maintain that awkward barrier between you and your partner? Leave those socks on! Bonus points if they're mismatched – because who needs coordination when you're killing the mood?

Step 4: Make It All About You

Selfishness is the name of the game here. Forget about your partner's needs or desires; focus solely on your own pleasure. After all, it's not like a mutually satisfying experience is the goal, right?

Step 5: Implement a Strict Time Limit

Racing against the clock adds an exciting element of pressure to any encounter. Set a timer and watch the magic unfold as you both strive to meet that ultimate climax deadline. Who says good things can't be rushed?

Step 6: No Foreplay Allowed

Why beat around the bush (pun intended) when you can dive straight into the main event? Skip foreplay altogether and embrace the awkwardness that ensues. Who needs build-up when you can go from zero to awkward in seconds?

Step 7: Use Your Phone... A Lot

Nothing says 'I'm not into this' quite like scrolling through your phone mid-coitus. Text, tweet, check emails – the possibilities are endless. Bonus points for taking calls from your boss. And even more bonus points if you call your boss yourself.

Step 8: Critique Your Partner's Every Move

Turning your intimate experience into a performance review is a surefire way to ruin the mood. Remember, there's no place for positivity in the quest for the worst sex ever. Be sure to provide unsolicited feedback throughout.

Conclusion:

And there you have it, our comprehensive guide on how to have the worst sex ever.

By following these simple steps, you too can experience an evening of awkwardness, discomfort, and utter disappointment.

Remember, the key to bad sex is to throw all caution, consideration, and finesse out the window.

So, dear lovely people, the next time you find yourself looking to ruin an intimate moment, remember these steps and dive headfirst into an experience guaranteed to leave you both scratching your heads in confusion. Because who says passion is all it's cracked up to be, right?

Now go forth and embrace all the bad sex you desire! Happy anti-passion adventures!