I have expertise in only one thing, so I’m going to tell you the best way to do it.

Lately I’ve been reading articles like...

I’m a personal trainer and here are my tips to lose weight fast.

or

I’m a vet, and these are the best breeds of dogs you should buy.

or

I’m a dermatologist and this is what you need to do if you have genital herpes. 

… which got me thinking, ‘What’s the one self-help thing I have expertise in that I can provide advice on?’ 

There’s only one really, so behold this life-changing piece of genius article, starting with the title:

Bludging, lotus eating lay-about gives his tips on how to take the best afternoon nap you’ve ever had. 

A Melbourne man named Matt, who goes to sleep sometimes, has shared his advice on how to have the greatest ever afternoon nap.  

Matt, who goes by the name Matt, said the reason people feel tired is because they might be having bad afternoon naps, or no afternoon naps at all. 

When asked what made him nap expert, Matt said, 'Good thanks, yourself?'

To help other people with their 'nap game,' Matt gave his top seven expert tips for having the best afternoon nap of all-time, no matter 'what kind of crap you’re putting up with in your life':

1. Plan your nap. Having something to look forward to makes a big difference.

   
   

2. To increase your chances of dreaming of your crush, stalk their Instagram page for a good seven hours the night before. Not only will this help seep that person into your subconscious, but you’ll be tired from staying up for the extra seven hours, and be in more need of an afternoon nap the next day.

   
   

3. Have a soft toy as your nap partner. I have Booba from the cartoon show Booba.

   
   

4. Napping anywhere is fine, so long as you’re comfortable. It doesn’t have to be a bed or couch. It can be at a cafe. When you wake up from your nap in the cafe, you will see people looking at you weirdly, but that’s just because they’re jealous they didn’t take an afternoon nap and you did.

   
   

5. Don’t drink a lot beforehand, because then you’ll get woken up with the need to go to the bathroom. And don’t drink a lot of Red Bull beforehand, because not only will you need to go to the bathroom, but you’ll be awake for four days straight.

   
   

6. Counting sheep to help fall asleep can work, but if you hate sheep, choose something else, like... sheep shearers.
   

7. Post a status update on social media telling everyone you’ve just taken a nap. That way, even that intolerable nimrod who’s always posting photos from the Maldives or Paris will get FOMO, because for the last half hour you’ve just lived a better life than they have. 

Matt claims to be the best afternoon nap taker of anyone in the world, and said his life is better for it. 

‘I like naps.’ he said. ‘I’m thinking about bringing out a new line of nap caps, a nap map of all the best locations to nap, and a lip moistener called the nap chap. The nap chap will go in chemists next to the display of Britney Spears fragrance.'

When asked to recall his greatest ever nap, Matt said, 'I love Coles brand honeycomb whirl chocolate biscuits,' and then walked off.

Caption: The little girl who decides to take a nap at the beach. One of the great memes.