Single men and IVF - ethical or not?

The tap water at my sister’s wedding was good.

I’m a non-drinker, and the thing about non-drinking at a wedding is that most of the things people say to you stay in your memory for a while.

I’m the eldest of four kids. The sister is the youngest and eleven years my junior, and the two boys in between are both married, and one of them has three kids.

Yep, this makes me the unwedded, unattached loser of my family. Or, as I prefer to describe myself, the greatest fun-uncle that ever lived.

As with all family get-togethers, I was the kids’ entertainment at my sister’s wedding. My nephews and my niece (ten, four and eight) thought showering their uncle Matt with confetti was hilarious.

Even after the sixth confetti dump on my head, the youngest cackled, thinking my startled reaction was real and he’d caught me unawares.

“How much do they love you, Matt?” An aunty of mine asked rhetorically as she approached. “You need to be a dad Matt. Even on your own. Just do it.”

That was all she offered, as she realised she was about to be set upon with confetti and humorously scurried away.

I lay awake that night thinking about what she said. Never marrying, or perhaps more specifically, being alone, has never worried me, but never becoming a dad does.

And while I tell this little anecdote with humour, that humour blankets a heartache that beats strongest whenever I’m around little kids, babies especially.

I’m always happy for new parents, but admit resentment often creeps in on vicarious joy,

because in my mind I’m way better with bubs, toddlers and kids than they are, and feel hard done by that they’ve been blessed with a child and I haven’t.

What a horrible way to think.

I really do appreciate the impact a woman’s biological clock can have on her mental and

emotional wellbeing. I don’t mean to insult women; I certainly can’t empathise because I face no biological limitations. But I’m almost forty, and in my own mind, it’s now or never.

I won’t be an older father because I can’t be the best father that way.

A couple of mates agreed with me during a recent conversation on the morality of single blokes pursuing IVF. One even expanded on other factors he believes allow a man to be ‘the best father’ he can be, and was quick to point out, “a mother.”

“Bringing a child into the world without a mother, and putting what you want ahead of what a child needs, supports the definition of selfishness,” he said.

That hurt. And evoked a level of guilt that had me gripping the metaphorical door in readiness to slam it shut on the idea.

“But couldn’t one argue a single man bringing a life into the world, and raising, nurturing and educating that life, supports the definition of selflessness?” the second of the two mates said.

“And that while not genetically the same as a mother, a mother figure can be just as effective in supporting a child to grow and thrive?”

The power of words; those two suggestions helped me let go of my guilt like two hands letting an animal back into its natural habitat. I always have liked that mate better.

If you can picture blokes standing around talking about IVF, then you can appreciate the

atmosphere became somewhat uncomfortable after about five minutes, and we switched back to regular programming, I.e. football.

But it hasn’t stopped me thinking about it, and while the tug of war continues in my mind, one side is definitely getting the better of the other.

One of my closest friends lost her mother at just two years of age. She was raised by a single dad, and he did the greatest job of any dad out there because she’s the kindest person I know.

She’s been bringing joy to those around her since the day she was born. A bit like confetti, to my niece and nephews.